One whole day separate me from the last blog. Food poisoning attacked our family. An expired mexican spices used to cook our lunch two days ago was the cause.



During this time, I was still growing... maybe backward... I just re-membered basic concepts and beliefs I developed when I was still in my teens... I allowed life and insecurities to make me forget them... they were powerful. Why humans neglect strengths they develop in their personality?



I am still practicing to conquer the moment... still there are faliures... I am trying my best to develop a personality that naturally does not care about the worries of the future... and forget about the hate and loathing of the past.... I revert to meditation... a skill I learnt in my early 20's and ignored till recently... I meditate to train my brain to control its thoughts... it is effective although it does not give the nirvana described in spiritual genre... it just allows me to pacify my brain... give it a break... and let my "self" express itself... in this way, I am able to recognize many of the negative motives that drives my daily actions... and help me to inflate them without inflicting any psychological pressure... just like citronella repelling mosquitoes without hurting them... it is a nice feeling where you observe feels of hate and anger within you fly away while you smile at them... I do not know if they will eventually come back like mosquitos come back when you tunr off those torches... I will write it down here if it does...



How do I meditate: I just close my eyes, laying down, and focus on one idea... usually on one of the white spots I see when I close my eyes in the darkness... I try not to think of anything... when an idea comes, I kick it out and focus on the spot again.. I keep doing this until I feel energized... I do not know if the other meditation styles (mantra driven, dheker, or yoga) are more pwerful... yet to find out!



Living the NOW had made me come up with some philosophical beliefs like: "Think of the past to laugh, think of the future to dream, just live the present..." To me, this is powerful.



Usually, we think of the past for memories. Many of these memories give us hate, anger, envy, hurt. Few give us joy. When you live the NOW, you can make fun of any past memory... you remember the one who hurt you and you develop a joke of it... I am starting to do it frequently... it is fun... although I still hold some grudges toward some... I hope I can overcome them by March 2004!



As for the future, we think about it and worry... worry of misfortunes that might come... worry of losing something dear to our "self" like possession, loved ones or psychological status... by living the NOW, we won't worry anymore for we know that whatever comes, even the worst day-mare, won't have the impact we imagine it would when we worried about it, simply because we live the moment... instead, we should look toward the future and dream... dream of something good for our souls... have it as a dream... as an objective... and let's live the moment with the dream in our hearts... and as Cohleo said, the universe will conspire to make our dream come true... the most powerful dream is the one that comes from the heart when you pacify the mind... when you overcome the destructive insecure feelings you might get... otherwise, the dream becomes day dreaming and you will be losing the moment... you will be losing the NOW...



To me, the dreams are manifestation of the reasons we are born... you identify with your dream when you listen to the low whisper of your heart... Fear and insecurity are louder than these whispers... dreams developed in the midst of the screams of fear and insecurities are your brain dreams... in most cases they lead to futile struggle to achieve objectives that do not add up to you... do not allow you to grow... it is like "winning the world, but losing your soul"... to win truly, pacify the fears and insecurities then listen to the heart.. to its whisper... and your dream will surface like a blooming flower in a fast tracked movie... then... and only then... the universe will start its wheels to make your dream come true...



And now... I have an attack from the poisoning I got... I have to leave the blog and attend to physical needs...